


Even Sinners Want To Live

by MyDeathLolipop



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: //let me just say that I am not homophobic, //nor am I homosexual, //please just refer me to better sources of information on said subject, //so therefore if you have a problem with the portrayal of something, Angst, Internalized Homophobia, Keith-Centric, M/M, each chapter is around 1k each, just a little, keith feels loved (for once), keith has problems with being gay, keith just has issues, lance is such a flaming bisexual, lowkey slow updates, shiro is just #1 dad, this is going to be longer than I expected
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-23
Updated: 2016-08-07
Packaged: 2018-07-25 14:08:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7535788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MyDeathLolipop/pseuds/MyDeathLolipop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Keith wants nothing more than to be accepted, but his fear of being rejected won't even let him accept himself.</p>
<p>PSA: Specific Actions And/Or Thoughts Of Specific Characters In This Story Do Not Reflect The Actions And/Or Thoughts Of The Writer.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'm Not Gay

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally just going to be a one-shot, but now it's going to be longer than I actually expected.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'You aren't gay, you like girls,' He would convince himself later that night. It always felt like a lie, no matter how many time he told himself those exact words.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just the introduction really, the next chapter will be longer and feature everyone else.
> 
> Disclaimer: I do not own Voltron: Legendary Defender, hence the _fan_ fiction.

While he was unsure about most things that occurred in his life, Keith knew one thing for certain.

He wasn't gay.

Gay was wrong, meant different, meant sinful, meant everything that he wasn't supposed to be.

He did not like guys. Period.

* * *

 

One of the first foster families Keith was in, a home with a young couple and two other children, taught him many things.

They taught him how to tie his shoelaces and how to get back to their home from his school. They taught him how to cook for a family and clean the home that he lived in. They taught him how to care for others and how to style his hair. They taught him how to read and his ABC's.

They also taught him that a man should not look at another man as he does a woman. That a man was only allowed to love a woman and, should he love a man, he was a sinner who was going to hell.

He thinks about that often.

* * *

 

Keith spent two weeks in a foster home with a gay couple.

He was almost disgusted on how that could be allowed when it was a sin and ran away from that home three times before he was taken to a new home.

He didn't understand why they could be so happy together when they were going to go to hell for just being with each other.

But he also couldn't wrap his mind around why they had cared for him when he had been so rude. He had yelled at them every day about how they were sinning and they would just listen calmly, almost as if they had heard it all before.

(They probably had.)

He never once apologized to them and they never made him.

* * *

When he was twelve, he had gotten his first girlfriend.

She was a girl whose name he had long forgotten who smelled like rose petals and loved how soft his hair supposedly was.

Whenever he would see her outside of school, her brother always came along and he didn't understand why he liked that more than being alone with her.

She broke up with him after two weeks because she felt like he was staring at her brother more than he was staring at her.

He apologized once before walking away from her, reminding himself that he was straight.

* * *

In middle school, being gay meant that you would have more broken bones than bad grades.

That you would be in the hospital more than you would be in homeroom.

That you would learn more insults than you would vocabulary words.

That you would get the gay beaten out of you by any means necessary.

He didn't want that to happen to him.

He was already different than everyone else with his Korean background. He didn't need, or god forbid want, to become another outlier at his school by being gay.

So he became the bully to fit into the mold of being superior to others.

Keith can still remember the feeling of someone's nose breaking under his fist for the first time, the loud crack echoing throughout the hallways, the blood gushing out faster than the apologies he had chanted afterward.

He still doesn't think he has washed all the blood off his fingers.

* * *

The first time he kissed a guy was at a seniors party in his sophmore year of high school, the only party that he had ever been invited to.

The taste of alcohol was far too evident on both of their lips despite being underage and he would never admit to anyone that he had liked it. That he had liked the feeling of another guy kissing him with the trashy pop music in the background and a drink still in his hand.

He had pushed the guy away quickly and cried in the bathroom for nearly two hours straight. He would blame the alcohol, claim that his judgment was impaired by the strong liquid, claim that the other guy was a faggot.

'You aren't gay, you like girls,' He would convince himself later that night. 

It always felt like a lie, no matter how many time he told himself those exact words.

He still hasn't forgotten the feeling of his lips.

* * *

He had enrolled into the Garrison on a scholarship for his 'outstanding piloting skills'.

With classes of roughly 80% males, Keith did all he could to distance himself from them as he quickly rose through the rankings.

He had dated girls, each one the same as the last, but none of them lastest longer than a month.

He was always just staring too much at everyone except for them. He might not have understood his feelings too much, but he knew that he didn't feel anything for them.

When the rumor started that he was gay, he didn't exactly know how to take it, nor did he have much time to process it. It spread through the school like a wildfire and guys wouldn't talk to him and girls just wanted to have him as their 'G.B.F.'. 

He just couldn't take it.

He spoke with his fists and it didn't matter how bloody and broken his body would end up because at least that would make them understand that he wasn't fucking gay.

* * *

He dropped out.

The principle made the decision to expel one of the best fighter pilots in the school for landing someone in the hospital (again, but that wasn't the issue at the time), so Keith had just accepted it.

He heard all of the whispers as he dragged his stuff out of the school, stealing one of the vehicles on his way out, and just went wherever his heart told him to.

He found an abandoned building in the desert where no one could make him question his concrete heterosexuality.

He was content like this.

* * *

Keith didn't have a problem being alone.

In fact, he thrived on the aspect of being alone.

He couldn't help but feel as though he was missing something.

('Someone', a voice inside of him chided.)

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since you got this far, tell me what you think? I'd really appreciate it if you left some kudos or a comment. Thank you :)


	2. I'm Bestfriends With My Doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith is 99.9% certain he is straight. Lance is the reason for that .1%

In the year that they had known each other, (had it been a year? Alteans had such a different time system), Lance seemed like the most heterosexual person he had ever come into contact with.

Due to the mere fact that Lance seemed to flirt with anything that was even remotely female, Keith had every right to have assumed he was completely straight.

But now? He wasn't too sure.

Lance's hand was on the wall next to Keith's head, cornering him against the wall, and his tone was anything but the strictly platonic one-sided rivalry they shared.

"C'mon Keith, how 'bout we form a better bond than Voltron in my room, if you get what I mean," His voice was smooth, not a hint of his usual joking manner, and sent shivers down Keith's spine.

He stammered, feeling his face involuntarily turning red, before proceeding to say, "What are you talking about?" His voice was shaky, almost if he was afraid.

Afraid of what? Of Lance? Definitely not. Afraid of the true meaning behind his words? Most likely.

Lance smirked, nothing like the usual lopsided grin he was used to, leaning in close to Keith's ear before retorting with, "Let's go find out, _cariño_ ,"

this is wrong this is wrong this is wrong this is wrong this is wrong this is wrong this is wrong this is wrong this is wrong this is wrong this is wrong this is wrong this is wrong this is wrong this is

And suddenly, laughter.

Lance was bent over, clutching his stomach as loud laughter escaped him.

Pidge and Hunk had, at some point, entered the room and they looked almost shocked.

Keith just stood there, far too confused on what was happening.

"Y-You should have seen the look on your face," Lance wheezed, his laughter subsided until nothing but the occasional small chuckle, before sharing a high-five with Hunk.

Choosing now to be a good time to speak, Keith interjected with, "What was that?" 

Everyone turned to look at him and Lance looked like he was going to erupt into a fit of laughter at any second.

"Well," Pidge began, almost as if they had expected this, "Hunk and I dared Lance to make you flustered, but we certainly didn't expect this,"

The aforementioned fit of laughter began as soon as Keith stormed out of the room, face still red from embarrassment as he entered the training room.

With his bayard in hand, he shouted, "Begin training sequence level one,"

* * *

 He trained until he could forget the feeling of Lance's warm breath against his ear. 

(Fun Fact: He couldn't)

He was silent at dinner that night, not feeling up to his usual banter with Lance.

No one seemed to notice. 

He didn't have feelings for Lance, that would be absurd. Sure, he might have felt  _differently_ about Lance than anyone else he had ever met, but that didn't mean it was a crush. It might have been warm and comforting, but it was not a crush because that would be gay and gay is wrong.

He left dinner early that night and counted the tiles above his head before he fell asleep.

He barely got to fifty before he began to count the stars he could see in Lance's eyes.

* * *

"You know that Lance is bi, right?" is all Pidge said, not even looking up from the current tech they were tinkering with.

Keith nearly choked on the air in his lungs. Lance, his fellow paladin of Voltron, was bisexual? He was attracted to guys, as well as girls, and the thought of that made some of the weight on Keith's shoulder disappear.

He didn't understand why.

Bi was wrong. Bi was even worse than gay. Why couldn't he just choose one and stick with it?

So why was he relieved in some twisted sense that Lance liked guys?

Glancing over at Pidge, he replied with, "Why are you telling me this?" He and Lance weren't exactly 'close', as most would put it, and no amounts of bonding moments were going to change that.

Keith was just not too keen on letting people into his life and Lance was an expert on avoiding his problems.

(Keith was afraid that he was one of Lance's 'problems' too)

There was a dangerous glint in Pidge's eyes when they finally looked up, a smirk present on their face. "I mean, it's kind of obvious that you're gay, so if you ever need to 'relieve any sexual tension', there is one other person interested in dudes on this ship,"

Error: Keith.exe has stopped working.

He was on his feet instantly, his hands making vague motions that meant 'No' as he shrieked, "I'm not gay!" His stance was defensive, almost as if he was curling into himself.

The snort that Pidge gave in response to his actions just made Keith clench his jaw and walk out of the room, leaving them to their machinery.

No matter what anyone said, he wasn't gay. 

He knew that.

* * *

 He wasn't sure when it had become common knowledge that Lance was Bisexual, but he had apparently missed it. 

He had also missed that everyone had just assumed he was gay.

So now, when they were practically forced to pretend to be dating as a distraction for an infiltration and rescue mission because 'You're both attracted to guys, so it's more believable'. And besides, even if he was gay, which he most definitely was not, did they just not understand that being attracted to a specific sex meant that they were interested in everyone of that sex?

Regardless, Keith was just convincing himself that he was straighter than an 180-degree angle. 

It was really a simple mission, just cause a scene in the middle of the dinner, big enough to cause a distraction for Shiro and Pidge to get past, and flee quickly afterward. It was meant to be an easy mission, no harm caused.

So now, why was he getting the feeling that this was a bad idea?

He gave fake smiles to the alien around him who attempted to conversate with them, (they gave up when he refused to participate), and ate the food goo that was given to him while he awaited Shiro's command.

He wanted to go home.

He wanted to go home and away from Lance because no one should look that good in a suit with this shitty lighting and that smile he was giving him was almost guaranteed to make him gay.

Which is why he was originally relieved when Shiro gave them the signal to begin the distraction, until Keith realized he had no clue what Lance had planned.

"Excuse me!" Lance yelled, drawing all the attention to himself and ceasing all conversations as he stood, "I would just like to request that you allow me to make a special announcement,"

Murmurs began to sound, but nonetheless, he was given permission by the alien at the head of the table to proceed.

He had his signature grin on his face as he spoke again, "Thank you again for inviting us here for this dinner, it was so good. I just want to bring awareness to the Galra empire. Yeah, those guys, and, uh, the force that's stopping them--"

No longer bothering to pay attention to Lance's speech, he glanced over and saw Shiro and Pidge sneaking past just as he noticed that the attention was being dropped from Lance, which was bad.

He had to do something because the longer Lance spoke the more attention would possibly fall onto Shiro and Pidge, which would ruin the entire mission. He had to act quickly and, well, the best decisions don't normally happen when you act quickly.

He stood abruptly, gripping Lance's tie, muttering a quick 'Follow my lead on this one,', before smashing his lips onto the other boy's.

It was in no ways like the movies. There were no fireworks erupting in his mind, or any jolts of electricity in his bloodstream. He didn't feel like he had just met his soulmate or even like there were any emotions behind it.

No, the kiss was harsh and uncoordinated and lasted no longer than three seconds before Shiro told them to leave quickly and the only thing he felt was warmth, even long after it was over.

He knew he would regret this decision later, but for now, he was happy.

* * *

The mission might have been a success, but Keith couldn't even look at Lance anymore.

He was too afraid to look at him and see disgust written all over his face because he had kissed him.

It was all awkward side-glances and staring when he wasn't looking. 

He felt empty without his constant bickering with Lance, like someone had hollowed out his soul and it just left a dull ache throughout his body. But it still wasn't enough to risk talking to Lance, not by a long shot.

And he knew that he was just being illogical, because Lance would forgive literally anyone for anything, but he couldn't help but expect rejection every time.

Besides, he knew that if he talked to Lance about it, his mind would just get so much more disorganized than it already was to begin with.

Because Keith is 99.9% sure he is straight and Lance is just confusing the other .1%. 

Because he liked the feeling of kissing Lance but not the feeling of his mind convincing him it was wrong.

Because, even if it was just for a mission, he wanted to do it again. He wanted to kiss Lance again and actually mean it.

He wanted more, and the thought of that scared him.

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr: LazyArtNerd


End file.
